judys care giver blog

A quick shout out

To all my readers… Well to the few of you that still pop in anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for checking in.

My last post was a bit somber and I have taken some time to evaluate what I was really thinking. I felt that I was not going to get to live my life the way I wanted to. then I took a good look at my sob story and realized that's not anybodies fault but my own.

I haven't been writing lately because, well I have been busy living my life. I had a great holiday season with my family all of whom stayed at my house, followed by a new year that included my daughter turning 16. I have spent a lot of time with my family and friends and have had the opportunity to get out of the house quite a bit. The football season kept me on my toes until my Chargers lost but there's still the Super Bowl on the way. I even got to write a game show off my bucket list when Todd and I had the chance to be on Lets Make a Deal. it was a long day but it was so much fun.

I have been waiting for 8 months for the adult memory day care to open down the street and it will finally happen on the 1st of February. That means more time to do the things that I have been putting off for far to long. I have actually been putting my life on hold since my father passed away, thinking that all I could do was take care of my mom. I am over that now.

I felt an obligation to put what I needed on the back burner and take care of everyone else. I have now decided that that is crap. I think so and I know my mother would agree.

My mother lived her life making sure my sister and I were happy and if she could I know exactly what she would say.

“Is this what your really goanna do with your life. Of course you take care of family. They come first. But don't give up yourself in the process. get over this…whatever this is and do something about it.” Then she would make a joke and we would both laugh. and just like with every other heart felt conversation we had ever had,  her hand would grip my chin to make sure I was looking in her eyes, and she would say I love you.

Don't misunderstand me when I say I'm doing things for me now. I am still taking care of my mom and my husband and my kids. I am just goanna add myself to the list. I have family and friends that are here in town that can help out if I ask and when the daycare opens I might even go back to work. I'm just tired of feeling frustrated and lonely and helpless. and the only one that can change that is me. I say it’s time for some fun.

reality setting in.

It is 12:30 and I cant sleep. I am actually exhausted but I have a lot rolling around in my head. My daughter just turned 16 and before I know it she will be out the door. I spent all day cleaning and decorating and filling goodie bags for a party that I'm not sure she even wants. what she really wants is a car but that's not goanna happen. I finished early and have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Then it hit me. Like the walls were closing in at 100 miles an hour kind of hit me. I will never get to retire.

I am, at this point in time, a stay at home mom. I take care of my kids and my husband and my mother. But eventually my kids will get older. Go off to college  or start a job. They will find a life of there own and move on. And for most mothers that is a time for empty nesting. Followed by sense of relief.”I can do what I want now” kind of a moment.  Time to focus on yourself and take grand vacations with you spouse.  That is the dream of any parent with kids in there teenage years. However, for me, I have come to the realization that it wont happen. Why? because I will always have my mother with me.

I don't mind caring for my mother. I have been doing it sense I was 36. And it has been like having another kid in the house. But really... she is not a kid... and she will not grow up and move on. So I will never not be a caregiver. I will never be able to say I'm going out for a bit or I'm going to visit friends out of state or hey Hun lets go to the Bahamas for the weekend.

I never really thought about life in the long term before my mother got sick and my father passed away. And now I feel like its all I think about. I want to go places and do things before I'm to old to have fun or remember any of it. When I was 16 I thought 38 was sooooo old. Now I just think how happy I am to still be here and how much I would love to see retirement.

Hey Santa. Remember Me?

 

 

Dear Santa.

You probably don't remember me because I was seven the last time I wrote to you. Lets just say its been a while. Anyway…it’s been kind of a tough year and I was hoping you would take a look at my list and see if you can help me out with Christmas. I would greatly appreciate it.

To start, I would like to make it threw Christmas day without the kids getting into a fight.

I would also like to make sure that we all have a dinner that is not over or under cooked.

I really hope that my father and my mother- in - law are having a good time with us even though my dog ate the pies she spent 2 hours baking. and I really hopes she over looks the time I cussed in front of her. Ok all the times I cussed in front of her.

I would like my mother to sleep threw the night so I can get up early and make the peanut salad and the green bean casserole and still have enough energy to make it threw the rest of the day. even though I shouldn't ask, I would also really like her to remember the gifts she receives this time around.

I want my friends to have a safe and happy holiday season and would like to see them all fulfill their new years resolutions

By the way, while we are on the subject, mine is to loose a few pounds.

Then there is this little thing I was really hoping for. If its not to much to ask… A vacation would be nice. nothing to extravagant. just a weekend retreat or if you could make it happen… a week in the Bahamas. (just saying) Maybe something in between.

Anyway I hope you have a safe trip across the globe and that you get the chance to make everyone's Christmas wishes come true. You know there are always plenty of cookies here for you along with a little drink to keep you warm ( good thing the reindeer do all the driving.)

Of course I don't really need every thing on my list so you can decide what is needed most . thank you for taking time out of your busy season to read my letter. Have a happy and healthy holiday season and then get some well deserved rest.

Sincerely  Judy's care giver

A new year on the way and a new outlook on care giving.

I haven't written in a while. Mainly because I wanted to write something upbeat for my newest post. Well if you read on you will see that that is not the case.

Life has not been upbeat around here. Things have been up and down and down and out and absolutely crazy. Every time I sat down to write I found something “more interesting to do”

The truth is I didn't want to talk about my life outside of the role of a caregiver. All the other parts of my life that I deal with on a day to day basis. Even though I have had some great stories I haven't been able to sit down and share them with you.  As much as I want to talk about care giving, I didn't want to talk about me.

Then I talked to a friend about it and she made a very good point.

“ If your not going to write what you are really feeling then why are you writing at all.” (She was an English major and probably cringes every time she reads this blog.) 

 However she did make since. Lets face it. We are all just trying to get threw the day with everything we have to do and we are lucky if we have a moment to our selves. There are so many things going on in a dementia caregivers life. I take care of my mother  but I also take care of my kids and my husband and my friends. It just can’t be all about Judy.There I said it. And … well.. I feel better.

 So I have decided to change some things around here.

I am not going to wait for something miraculous to happen to my mother before the next post. After all the blog is called Judy's care giver. um hello… that's me.

So from now on I will tell you about how I, as a caregiver, mother, wife, daughter, friend, women and a real live person deals with it all. there are a lot of caregiver blogs out there that can actually give you advice and teach you something. Most of them are very good. I can't and really don't want to compete with that.

What I do want to do is let you know my story and hopefully show you that you are not alone. And maybe even have one or two of you say  "yep, I am totally there. I get it and I am right there with you." Thanks for reading. I hope  you stick around to see the new and the true judyscaregiver.

nothing but love

Wow. It has been a while. I apologize for such a long hiatus but i wanted to come back with something positive. The truth is I haven't seen much positivity lately. Judy is doing well. She is the same, but it has been a rough few months. My grandmother passed away recently and though I wasn't close to her, my mother was. I have had a difficult time deciding whether or not to tell my mother and I am still trying to figure it out.

My next door neighborer left last month to take care of his grandmother who may have Alzheimer's and we haven't heard from him in a while. Another neighborer who happens to be one of my closest friends lost her grandfather and her father within weeks of each other and she held her father when he passed away. And another friend of mine lost his mom to a long battle with cancer and I have not been able to reach him or his wife.

So you can see why I have not been writing. It just didn't seem right to put my personal issues out there when so many others were having a hard time. My wish for all left behind during these difficult times would be to remember the joy that there loved ones gave them when they where around and To take time to let the pain in. I don't think you can ever really move on until you do.

When the pain lessons you will be able to smile and laugh again and when it hits you to laugh till your stomach hurts I ask you to let it happen. Enjoy the little moments and come out the other side of this with nothing but love. as simple and cliche as it may be time heals all wounds and I hope that time is fast and steady for you all.