It is 12:30 and I cant sleep. I am actually exhausted but I have a lot rolling around in my head. My daughter just turned 16 and before I know it she will be out the door. I spent all day cleaning and decorating and filling goodie bags for a party that I'm not sure she even wants. what she really wants is a car but that's not goanna happen. I finished early and have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Then it hit me. Like the walls were closing in at 100 miles an hour kind of hit me. I will never get to retire.
I am, at this point in time, a stay at home mom. I take care of my kids and my husband and my mother. But eventually my kids will get older. Go off to college or start a job. They will find a life of there own and move on. And for most mothers that is a time for empty nesting. Followed by sense of relief.”I can do what I want now” kind of a moment. Time to focus on yourself and take grand vacations with you spouse. That is the dream of any parent with kids in there teenage years. However, for me, I have come to the realization that it wont happen. Why? because I will always have my mother with me.
I don't mind caring for my mother. I have been doing it sense I was 36. And it has been like having another kid in the house. But really... she is not a kid... and she will not grow up and move on. So I will never not be a caregiver. I will never be able to say I'm going out for a bit or I'm going to visit friends out of state or hey Hun lets go to the Bahamas for the weekend.
I never really thought about life in the long term before my mother got sick and my father passed away. And now I feel like its all I think about. I want to go places and do things before I'm to old to have fun or remember any of it. When I was 16 I thought 38 was sooooo old. Now I just think how happy I am to still be here and how much I would love to see retirement.
Ahh - I've also had that moment of realization - it's just the way it is.
Posted by: JUDY DEARING | January 26, 2010 at 08:38 AM
My heart goes out to you Judy. I have a friend that is just had both parents diagnosed with Alzheimer's and watching her go through things is heart wrenching.
Seeing how she has to struggle to keep some portion of dignity in her parents' lives makes me so sad.
Good luck and you are in my prayers.
Barry Wheeler
Alzheimer's Support Canada
Posted by: Alheimer's Support Canada | January 26, 2010 at 11:05 AM